English Humors

liping1019

English Humors

正如“天天笑话，祝大家天天快乐”，这里来一个英文笑话每一天，希望大家跟我来在看笑话的同时学习英文！ As the topic of "Jokes Every Day, Wish You Happy Every Day ",now here English Humors,follow me to learn English at the time you speak these jokes. [ 本帖最后由 liping1019 于 2009-5-18 19:25 编辑 ]

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A history teacher and his wife were sitting at a table, the wife asked Anything new at work, and he replied, no, I am teaching History.

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Mr. and Mrs. Taylor had a seven-year-old boy named Pat. Now Mrs. Taylor was expecting another child. Pat had seen babies in other people's houses and had not liked them very much, so he was not delighted about the news that there was soon going to be one in his house too. One evening Mr. and Mrs. Taylor were making plans for the baby's arrival. This house won't be big enough for use all when the baby comes, said Mr. Taylor. Pat came into the room just then and said, What are you talking about?We were saying that we'll have to move to another house now, because the new baby's coming, his mother answered. It's no use, said Pat hopelessly, He'll follow us there.

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One day, the teacher inquired Peter: How much is four minus four? Peter was tongue-tied. the teacher got angry and said: What a fool! You see, if I put four coins in your pocket, but there is a hole in your pocket and all of them leak out, now what is left in your pocket? The hole, replied Peter.

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Returning from a golf outing, my husband was greeted at the door by Sara, our four-year-old daughter. Daddy, who won the golf game? You or Uncle Richie? Uncle Richie and I don't play golf to win, my husband hedged. We just play to have fun. Undaunted, Sare said, Okay, Daddy, who had more fun?

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Gerald, asked the teacher, what is the shape of the earth? It's round, answered Gerald. How do you know it's round? continued the teacher. All right, it's square then, he replied, I really don't feel like getting into an argument about it!

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Bill is a good student and an intelligent boy. He likes to study arithmetic, and he can do all of the arithmetic problems in his book easily. One day on his way to school Bill passed a fruit store. There was a sign in the window which said, Apple-Six for five cents. An idea came to Bill and he went into the store. How much are the apples? he asked the store. Six for five cents. But I don't want six apples. How many apples do you want? It is not a question of how many apples I want. It is a problem in arithmetic. What do you mean by a problem in arithmetic? asked the man. Well, if six apples are wroth five cents, then five apples are worth four cents, four apples are worth three cents, three apples are worth rwo cents, two apples are worth one cent and one apple is worth nothing. I only want one apple, and if one apple is worth nothing then it is not necessary for me to pay you. Bill picked out a good apple, began to eat it, and walked happily out of the store. The man looked at the young boy with such surprise that he could not say a word.

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Wherever I drove my old car over 55 miles per hour ,it vibrated terribly, so I decided to sell it. My first customer wanted to buy the car, and I battled with my conscience over whether or not to tell him of the vehicle's problem. Finally I did the right thing. Expecting him to drop the deal, I was surprised by his reply. 　　That's okay, he said. I'm buying this car for my daughter. If she complains about a vibration, I'll know she's driving too fast. Notes: (1) advantage n.优点；好处 (2) vibrate v.震动；颤动 (3) conscience n.良心 (4) deal n.交易；成交 (5) complain about 对…进行抱怨

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A teacher said to her class： Who was the first man？ George Washington，a little boy shouted promptly． How do you make out that George Washington was the first man？asked the teacher，smiling indulgently． Because，said the little boy，he was first in war，first in peace，and first in the hearts of his countrymen． But at this point a larger boy held up his hand． Well， said the teacher to him，who do you think was the first man？ I don't know what his name was，said the larger boy，but I know it wasn't George Washington，ma’am，because the history book says George Washington married a widow，so，of course，there must have been a man ahead of him [ 本帖最后由 liping1019 于 2009-5-18 19:24 编辑 ]

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A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goats' milk was used. 　　She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced. She then asked, What do you do with your older goats in America? 　　A spry old gentleman answered, They send us on bus tours! Notes: 　　(1) hillside n. 山坡 　　(2) graze v.（指牛羊等）吃青草 　　(3) put out 把…送到外面去 　　(4) pasture n.牧场 　　(5) spry adj.活泼的

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A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.

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Sharing the Apples 　　Harry was given two apples, a small one and a large one, by his Mum. Share them with your sister, she said. 　　So Harry gave the small one to his little sister and started touching into the large one. Cor! said his sister, If Mum had given them to me I’d have given you the large one and had the small one myself. 　　Well, said Harry, that’s what you’ve got, so what are you worrying about?

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On his deathbed poor Lubin lies； His spouse is in despair； With frequent sobs and mutual cries； They both express their care． A different cause，says Parson Sly， The same effect may give： Poor Lubin fears that he may die ； His wife，that he may live．

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　　Our son, at age of five, had a fascination for motorcycles. The sight of one would always bring forth squeals of delight, accompanied by excited remarks of Look at that! Look at that! I’m going to have one of those someday, his dad’s response always was Not as long as I’m alive. 　　One day, while our son was talking to a little friend, a motorcycle passed by. He excitedly pointed it out to the boy and exclaimed, Look at that! Look at that! I’m getting one of those as soon as my dad dies.

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A party of visitors were being shown round a lunatic asylum．They came across one individual in the grounds，with wild eyes，dishevelled hair，feverishly endeavouring to catchflies and keep them in his pocket． His was a sad case，said the attendant．Whilst he was at the war his wife abandoned his home and ran off with another man． Terrible，said a visitor． Presently they came to a padded cell，in which could be heard a raging as of a wild beast． That's the other man，said the attendant．

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Jonesie The Great Lion Hunter A small village was troubled by a man-eating lion. So its leaders sent a message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast. For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never appeared. Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture to wait for the lion. In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood-curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter on the ground, groaning in pain. There was no sign of the lion. What happened, Jonesie? Where is the lion? asked the chief. Forget the damn lion! he howled. Which one of you idiots let the bull loose?

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A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson on logic. 　　Here is the situation, she said. a man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yellin g for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows that he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank? 　　A girl raised her hand and asked, to draw out all of his savings?

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On the way home one night, I spotted some fresh-cut roses outside a florist's shop. After selecting a dozen and entering the shop, I was greeted by a young saleswoman. Are these for your wife, sir? she asked. Yes, I said. For her birthday? she asked. No, I replied. For your anniversary? No, I said again. As I pocketed my change and headed toward the door, the young woman called out, I hope she forgives you.

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One day after school the teacher said to his students, Tomorrow morning, if any one of you can answer my first question, I will permit him or her to go home earlier. The next day, when the teacher came into the classroom, he found the blackboard daubed. He was very angry and asked, Who did it? Please stand up! It's me, said Bob, Now, I can go home. Good-bye, Sir.

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At a court the judge is interrogating a mugger but gets into difficulty because the mugger is a foreigner who doesn't speak English. Don't you speak English at all? the judge asks. Only a few words, replies the mugger. What words do you know? Your purse or your life!