English Humors

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The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, Now I'll show you this frog in my pocket. He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich. He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said, That's funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch.

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An Ugly Woman Mike: My aunt was very embarrassed when she was asked to take off her mask at the party. Mary: Why was that? Mike: She wasn't wearing one.

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Wife talking to her husband，who reads newspaper all day: I wish I were a newspaper so I'll be in your hands all day. 　　Husband: I wish that too, so I could change you daily

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A cat and her four kittens ran into a large dog. When the kittens cowered, the cat let out a series of loud barks, scaring the dog away. 　　Turning to her kittens, the cat said, You see how important it is to know a second language.

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Creighton was going along a West End square when hesaw a little fellow trying to reach the knocker of a large house． Can't you reach up so high？queried the Bishop kindly． No， sir， said the small youngster． Well， then， let me help you， and the Bishop mountedthe three steps and gave a splendid rattat． The little boy glanced hastily at the gentleman of the cloth．Come on， he yelled，we must boaf run nar．

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My infant daughter began crying as I drove home from the store, and since she was harnessed to her safety seat in the back, I couldn't console her. Stopping for a red light, I turned around and waved my hands, calling her name to distract her. I gave her my biggest smile and blew her a kiss. The sound of a horn from the car behind us prompted me to look up. The young man at the wheel was smiling broadly .He waved and then blew me a kiss. Notes: (1) harness （to）v.系于；绑于He is harnessed to his job. 他工作脱不开身。 (2) console v.给予安慰或同情 (3) distract v.转移注意力；使分心 (4) prompt v.驱使 (5) the man at the wheel驾驶员 (6) broadly adv.咧嘴地

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A friend of mine noticed a man staggering about in the Times Square subway station. A well-dressed Wall Street type, his coat was unbuttoned, a briefcase dangled from his hand and he'd obviously had one too many. 　　Asked if he was all right, the man gave a slurred but affirmative response. However, my friend simply could not see someone brave the rough maw of a New York subway without trying to help. He followed the chap, and again asked, Are you sure you're all right? What subway are you looking for? Do you need help getting home? 　　At last, the object of his attentions snarled, in a low voice, Leave me alone! I'm an undercover cop! Notes: (1) stagger v.蹒跚；摇摆（因衰弱、负重、酒醉等） (2) the Times Square （美国）时代广场 (3) subway n.地铁 (4) briefcase n.手提箱 (5) dangle v. 悬吊着或摇摆不定 (6) slurred adj.含糊不清的 (7) affirmative adj.肯定的 (8) brave the rough maw闻入是非之地 (9) maw n.动物的胃或咽喉，比喻随时会吞噬他物之物 (10) chap n.家伙 (11) snarl v.咆哮 (12) undercover adj.秘密的；暗中从事的

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Peter was a clever boy. On his first day at school, he learned three words: 1, You and She. The teacher taught him how to make sentences with those words. The teacher said, I, I am your teacher; (then pointing to a girl) She, She is your classmate; You, You are my student. 　　When Peter went home, his father asked him what he had learned at school. Peter said at once, I, I am your teacher; (then pointing to his mother) She, She is your classmate; You, You are my student His father got angry and said, I, I am your father; (then pointing to his wife) She, She is your mother; You, You are my son. 　　The next morning at school, the teacher asked Peter if he had learned the three words by heart. Yes, he said proudly, I, I am your father; (then pointing to a girl) She, She is your mother; You, You are my son.

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Harry saw an ad in a window. It said: Wanted. The Best Sales- man in the World. Top Pay. 　　 I' m a great salesman. Harry told himself. I can sell anything. I'll go in and ask for that job. 　　He went into the building and spoke to the manager. 　　I'm the best salesman in the world, he said. Give me the job. 　　You must prove you're the best, the manager said. 　　I'll pass every test you give me. Harry told him. 　　Good. 　　The manager took a box of candy out of his desk . 　　Last week, I bought a thousand boxes of this candy. If you can sell them all before the end of the week, you can have the job. That's easy, Harry said. 　　He took the box of candy and left the office. 　　Every day and all day, he went from shop to shop, trying to sell boxes of the candy . 　　He couldn't sell one. 　　The candy was so bad he couldn't even give it away. 　　At the end of the week he went back to the manager. 　I'm sorry, sir, he said, I was wrong about myself . I'm not the best salesman in the world, but I know who is. 　　Oh, said the manager. Who? 　　The person who sold you a thousand boxes of this candy, Harry said. Notes: (1) candy n. 糖果 (2) give away赠送

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The girl found the go-between and said, You cheated me ! One of his eyes is not true. Why didn't you tell me this before ? 　　I have told you. said the go-between with justice on his side, When you met first, I told you that he settled on you with one eye. Notes: 　　(1) go-between n.媒人 　　(2) settle on选定；决定

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Alan worked in an office in the city. He worked very hard and really looked forward to his holidays. 　　He usually went to the seaside, but one year he saw an ad in a newspaper Enjoy country life. Spend a few weeks at Willow Farm. Good food, fresh air, horse riding, walking, fishing. Reasonable prices . 　　 This sounds like a good idea. he thought, I' 11 spend a month at Willow Farm. I'll enjoy horse riding, walking and fishing. They'll make a change from sitting by the seaside. 　　Four days later he returned home. 　　What' s wrong with Willow Farm ? his friend asked him. Didn't you enjoy country life ? 　　Country life was fine, Alan said. But there was another problem. Oh, what? 　　Well, the first day I was there a sheep died, and we had roast lamb for dinner. 　　揊resh meat is the best.擾I know, but on the second day a cow died, and we had roast beef for dinner. 　　Lucky you! 　　You don't understand, Alan said. On the third day a pig died and we had roast pork for dinner. 　　 A different roast every day. Jack exclaimed. 　　Let me finish, Alan said. On the fourth day the farmer died and I didn't dare stay for dinner! Notes: 　　(1) look forward to期待 　　(2) reasonable adj.合理的

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Daddy, can I learn to play the violin? young Sarah asked her father. She was always asking for things and her father was not very pleased. 　　You cost me a lot of money, Sarah, he said. First you wanted to learn horse riding, then dancing, then swimming. Now it's the violin. 　　I'll play every day ,Daddy. Sarah said. I'll try very hard. 　　All right, her father said. This is what I'll do. I'll pay for you to have lessons for six weeks. At the end of six weeks you must play something for me. If you play well, you can have more lessons. If you play badly, I will stop the lessons. 　　0. K. Daddy, Sarah said. That is fair. 　　He soon found a good violin teacher and Sarah began her lessons. The teacher was very expensive, but her father kept his promise. The six weeks passed quickly. The time came for Sarah to play for her father. 　　She went to the living room and said, I'm ready to play for you, Daddy. 　　Fine, Sarah, her father said. Begin. 　　She began to play. She played very badly. She made a terrible noise. 　　Her father had one of his friends with him, and the friend put his hands over his ears. 　　When Sarah finished, her father said, Well done, Sarah. You can have more lessons. 　　Sarah ran happily out of the room. Her father's friend turned to him. You've spent a lot of money, but she still plays very badly. he said. 　　Well, that's true, her father said. But since she started learning the violin I've been able to buy five apartments in this build very cheaply. In another six weeks I'll own the whole building! Notes: 　　(1) fair adj.公平的 (2) keep one's promise信守诺言

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Stan: I won 92 goldfish. Fred: Where are you going to keep them? Stan: In the bathroom 。 Fred: But what will you do when you want to take a bath? Stan: Blindfold them!

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1. Two Birds Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which? Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer. Teacher: Please tell us. Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow. 2. The Fish Net Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann? A lot of little holes tied together with strings. replied the little girl. 3. The New Teacher George comes from school on the first of September. George, how did you like your new teacher? asked his mother. I didn't like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too..... 4. A physics Examination Once in a physics examination, Nick finished the first question very soon, while his classmates were thinking it hard.The question was: When it thunders why do we see the lighting first, then hear the thunderrolls? Nick's answer: Because our eyes are before ears.

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Mrs Brown was going out for the day. She 　　locked the house and tacked a note for the milkman 　　on the door: NOBODY HOME. DON’T LEAVE ANYTHING. 　　When she got back that night, she found her door broken open and her house ransacked. On the note she had left, she found the following message added: 　　THANKS! WE HAVEN’T LEFT ANYTHING!

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The bus was crowded, and as one more man tried to get on, the passengers wouldn’t let him aboard. 　　It is too crowded, they shouted. who do you think you are? 　　I am the driver. he said.

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Teacher: Would you rather have one half of an orange or five tenths? 　　Gerald: I’d much rather have the half. 　　Teacher: Think carefully, and tell me why. 　　Gerald: Because you lose too much juice when you cut the orange into five tenths.

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Mr. Brown was reading his evening paper when there came a tremendous banging down the stairs. He jumped up, ran to the hall, and discovered his schoolboy son sprawled on the floor. 　　Did you miss a step? asked his dad. 　　No, I caught every blessed one! came the bitter answered.

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What did the fish say when he swam into a cement wall? dam!!!

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When the young waitress in the café in Tom's building started waving hello everyday. Tom was flattered, for she was at least 15 years younger than he. One day she waved and beckoned to Tom again. When Tom strolled over, she asked, Are you single? 　　Why, yes, Tom replied, smiling at her broadly. 　　So is my mom, she said. Would you like to meet her?