English Humors

liping1019

At the radio station where I worked, the manager called me into his office to preview a new sound-effects package we were considering purchasing. He closed the door so we wouldn't bother people in the outer office. After listening to a few routine sound effects, we started playing around with low moans, maniacal screams, hysterical laughter, pleading and gunshots. When I finally opened the door and passed the manager's secretary, she looked up and inquired, Asking for a raise again?

liping1019

The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled . His father knew it, but his grandma doted on him. He hardly left her side. And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum. Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmother's loving arms. 　　When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door. 　　Was school all right? she asked, Did you get along all right? did you cry? 　　Cry? John asked. No, I didn't cry, but the teacher did!

liping1019

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, shockingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. Stay out of those, she said, they're for the funeral.

liping1019

It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. What are you charged with? he asked. Doing my christmas shopping early, replied the defendant. That's no offense, replied the judge, How early were you doing this shopping? Before the store opened, countered the prisoner.

liping1019

A smart housewife was told that there was a kind of stove which would only consume half of the coal she was burning. She was very excited, and said: That'll be terrific! Since one stove can save half of the coal, if I buy two, no coal will be needed!

liping1019

A woman walks up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. I couldn't help noticing how happy you look, she says. What's your secret for a long, happy life? I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods and never, ever exercise. Wow, that's amazing, says the woman. How old are you? Twenty-six.

liping1019

A boy says to her mother, Mom, is God a man or woman? The mom thinks a while and says, Well, son, God is both man and woman. The son is confused, so he asks, Is God black or white? The mother replies, God is both black and white, honey. The son, still curious, says after a while, Is God gay or straight, mommy? The mother, getting a little worried, answers, Son, God is both gay and straight. The son thinks about it, and his face lights up when he thinks he finally has answered his question: Is God Michael Jackson?

liping1019

Billy: Mother, Bobby broke a window. Mother: How did he do it? Billy: I threw a rock at him and he ducked.

liping1019

When Jack bowed to someone, he always did it at lightening speed. You shouldn't wait any longer after he has had his head nod. So he was blamed for no manners. Then some warmhearted men taught him, When you bow to somebody next time, you can count 'January, February, March. until December. Then you can lift your body up. Thus, the ceremony will be perfect. 　　The next day, he met his uncle, he did as the men told him. The bow was so long that it made his uncle feel surprised and escaped away soon . When Jack looked up, he found his uncle gone . So he asked the passer, Which month did he go away?

liping1019

Once there was a blind. One day when he was walking, he stepped the head of the dog who was sleeping. The dog barked for a while. The blind man went on for miles, this time he stepped the other dog's tail, so this dog barked. The blind man had thought that it was the first dog, so he said in surprise, It's a wonder that the dog is so long.

liping1019

One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her mother, Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do. The mother exclaimed, But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this! By the way, what was it that you didn't do? The little girl replied, My homework.

liping1019

One evening，in the midst of dinner preparation，our 10 yearold daughter asked，Mom my， what's puberty？My wife was rushed at the moment，so she suggested that Peggy look up the word in the dictionary，after which they could talk about it． A few minutes later，Peggy returned．Her mother asked what the dictionary had said．Puberty means，announced Peggy，the earliest age at which a girl is able to bear children． What do you think of that？ my wife asked． I'm not sure， Peggy replied．I've always been able to bear children．It's adults I can't bear． [ 本帖最后由 liping1019 于 2009-9-2 20:39 编辑 ]

liping1019

Teacher: What's an abstract noun, Jane? Jane: I don't know, madam. Teacher: What, you don't know! Well. It's the name of a thing which you can think of but cannot touch. Now, give me an example. Jane: A red-hot poker, madam.

liping1019

Dick was seven years old，and his sister，Catherine．was five．One day their mother took them to their aunt's house to play while she went to the big city to buy some new clothes． The children played for an hour，and then at half past four their aunt took Dick into the kitchen．She gave him a nice cake and a knife and said to him，Now here's a knife，Dick．Cut this cake in half and give one of the pieces to your sister，but remember to do it like a gentleman． Like a gentleman？ Dick asked．How do gentlemen do it？ They always give the bigger piece to the other person．answered his aunt at once． Oh said Dick．He thought about this for a few seconds．Then he took the cake to his sister and said to her，Cut this cake in half，Catherine．

liping1019

At a dinner party in the home of friends, our host mentioned his highschool alma mater. One of the guests asked him if he had been a student there at the same time as a particular vice principal. I sure was! answered the host. He's the biggest jerk I've ever met. Did you know him too? Sort of, replied the guest. My mother married him last Saturday.

liping1019

Nurse: How do you feel after your operation? Patient: Quite alright, only I can feel two hearts beating inside me. Nurse: No wonder the doctor who operated on you was looking for his watch everywhere just now.

liping1019

When a group of women got on the car, every seat was already occupied. The conductor noticed a man who seemed to be asleep, and fearing he might miss his stop, he nudged him and said: Wake up, sir! 　　　I wasn't asleep, the man answered. 　　　Not asleep? But you had your eyes closed. 　　　I know. I just hate to look at ladies standing up beside me in a crowded car.

liping1019

I answered the phone one evening and quickly realized the voice on the other end belonged to a telemarketer. Good evening, he said, may I speak with Leah Jonason? She is a baby, I replied. All right, said the caller, I'll try again later.

liping1019

Son: Why are hen's legs so short? Dad: You're a fool. If the hen's legs were too long, wouldn't they drop their eggs into pieces when laying?

liping1019

Teacher: Tom, why are you late for school every day? Tom: Every time I come to the corner, a sign says, School-Go Slow.