English Humors

liping1019

The master, to impress on his pupils the need of thinking before speaking, told them to count fifty before saying anything important, and one hundred if it was very important. The next day he was speaking, standing with his back to the fire, when he noticed several lips moving rapidly. Suddenly the whole class shouted: Ninety-eight, ninety-nine, a hundred. Your coat is on fire, sir!

liping1019

Police: When can it be that the thieves broke into your house? Owner: How could I know as my watch was stolen?

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Traveler: Can I catch the three o'clock train to Toronto? Ticket agent: That depends on how fast you can run. It left fifteen minutes ago.

liping1019

During the heat of the space race in the 1960s, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of approximately $1 million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth. The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

liping1019

One day a bunch of naughty children wanted to make fun of him and said to him: There are birds' eggs on that tree. Won't you get them for us please? We can't climb up. Loath to disappoint the children, he was ready to climb the tree. But knowing that the mischievous youngsters would make off with his boots if he left them on the ground, he tied them to his waist-band before he started the climb. We'll take care of your boots for you! the children chorused. No, thank you! was he reply. I am a busy man. And as soon as I've got the eggs for you, I'll make my way home along the tree-tops.

liping1019

Honey, said the husband to his wife, I invited a friend home for supper. What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal! I know all that. Then why did you invite a friend for supper? Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married.

liping1019

One evening, in the midst of dinner preparation, our 10-year-old daughter asked, Mommy, what's puberty? My wife was rushed at the moment, so she suggested that Peggy look up the word in the dictionary, after which they could talk about it. 　　A few minutes later, Peggy returned. Her mother asked what the dictionary had said. Puberty means, announced Peggy, the earliest age at which a girl is able to bear children. 　　What do you think of that? my wife asked. 　　I'm not sure, Peggy relied. I've always been able to bear children. It's adults I can't bear..

liping1019

The mothers of four priests got together and were discussing their sons. My son is a monsignor, said the first proud woman. When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Monsignor.' The second mother went on, My son is a bishop. When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Excellency.' My son is a cardinal. continued the next one. When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Eminence.' The fourth mother thought for a moment. My son is six-foot-ten and weighs 300 pounds, she said, When he enters a room, people say, 'Oh, my God.'

liping1019

When they're together, my five-year-old son and his cousin tend to cause mayhem. one Saturday, I put my foot down. All right, you two, I said sternly. No screaming , grabbing, whining, hitting, teasing, tattling, breaking toys, scratching or fighting. 　　As I turned to leave, I heard my son say, C'mon, Steven, let's get dirty .

hb-tiansen

楼主哪里找的？我也下过一些，可是没有这些搞笑。 谢谢楼主，看完心情轻松了不少~~

hb-tiansen

世界上最伟大的击剑手（The World's Greatest Swordsman） At an exhibition of the world's best swordsman, the third-place fencer took the stage. A fly was released, and with an arc of his sword he cut the fly in half. The crowd cheered. Then the second-place man sliced a fly into quarters. A hush fell in anticipation of the world's greatest swordsman. His blade came down in a mighty arc - but the insect continued on its way! The crowd was aghast. The greatest swordsman had missed his target completely, yet he continued to smile. "Why are you so happy?" someone yelled. "You missed!" "Ah," replied the swordsman, "you weren't watching very carefully. They fly lives, yes - but he will never be a father."

hb-tiansen

只有一次（Only Once） A novice lion tamer was being interviewed. "I understand your father was also a lion tamer," the reporter queried. "Yes, he was," the man replied. "Do you actually put your head in the lion's mouth?" "I did it only once," said the new tamer, "to look for Dad."

liping1019

Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet(兽医）. "Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail." The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?" "Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."

liping1019

One day a lady saw a mouse running across her kitchen floor. She was very afraid of mouse, so she ran out of the house, got into a bus and went to the shops. There she bought a mousetrap. The shopkeeper said to her, "Put some cheese in it and you will soon catch that mouse." The lady went home with her mousetrap, but when she looked in her cupboard, she could not find any cheese in it. She did not want to go back to the shop, because it was very late, so she cut a picture of some cheese out of a magazine and put that in the trap. Surprisingly, the picture of the cheese was quite successful! When the lady came down to the kitchen the next morning she found a picture of a mouse in the trap beside the picture of the cheese!

liping1019

Boy: May I hold your hand? 　　Girl: No thanks,it isn't heavy. 　　Boy: Can I buy you a drink? 　　Girl: Actually I'd rather have the money. 　　Boy: Is this seat empty? 　　Girl: Yes,and this one will be if you sit down. 　　Boy: Haven't I seen you some place before? 　　Girl: Yes.That's why I won't go there anymore. 　　Boy: I'd like to call you.Your number? 　　Girl: It's in the phone book. 　　Boy: Hi,didn't we go on dates before? Once or twice? 　　Girl: Must've been once.I never make the same mistake twice. 　　Girl: If we become engaged, will you give me a ring? 　　Boy: Sure,what's your telephone number? 　　Girl: I think the poorest people are the happiest. 　　Boy: Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple.

liping1019

There's the sad story of the poor guy who was in a terrible motorcycle accident. When he came out from under the anesthetic(麻药）, the doctor was leaning over him anxiously. 　　Son, he said, I've got some good news and some bad news. 　　The bad news is that your were in a very serious accident, and I'm afraid we had to amputate （切除）both your feet just above the ankle. 　　Jesus, gasped the patient. What's the good news? 　　The fellow in the next bed over would like to buy your boots.

liping1019

As a rookie in the Atlantic City, N.J., Police department, I was assigned a beat on the boardwalk. Hardly a day went by when I didn't come upon a child who had become separated from his parents. One afternoon, I spotted a small boy standing alone, obviously lost. I tried to gain his confidence - I took him to the nearest ice-cream stand and bought him a cone. Time passed with no sign of the boy's parents, so the next step was to call for a patrol car to take him to headquarters. I told the small fry to stay put while I went to the call box. When I returned, he was nowhere in sight. Within minutes, the car arrived, and one of the patrolmen asked me where the child was. I felt stupid; it's humiliating to say you've lost a lost child. But I told the officers what had happened and gave a description of the boy. What did you treat him? asked one of the men. An ice-cream cone. Why? Because, answered the officer, that kid lives only a few blocks from here, and you've about the fifth rookie he's conned for a treat!

liping1019

There was a meeting with a large number of people. At first the speaker was very interesting, but as time went on, he became very boring. Finally when he was through, there was only one man sitting in the large room. 　　The speaker walked up to the man and said, Thank you for hearing me out when all the others left the room. 　　Oh! Don't mention it! replied the man, I cannot leave because I am the next speaker.

liping1019

One day in class, the teacher assigned his students to write a composition – if I Am a Manager. 　　All the students began to write except a boy. The teacher went to him and asked the reason. 　　I am waiting for my secretary, was the boy’s answer.

liping1019

Americans have a strong sense of humor. 　　Because everyone has ancestors, family and friends of every possible race, color, creed and national origin, and because sensitivity to such differences has reached unprecedented tenderness in recent years, it is considered rude to tell a joke that perpetuates an ethnic, social, religious, sexual, or racial stereotype. Nevertheless that still leaves plenty of material for humor, such as occupation, political persuasion, or region of origin. For example: 　　A Texan was boasting to an Arkansan about his ranch. Why, my ranch is so big, he said, that if I start out in my truck in the morning to drive around it, it’s night by the time I get home. The Arkansan nodded understandingly and said, Yep. I had a truck like that once. 　　The only group detested enough to be a suitable butt for barbed humor is lawyers. Lawyers are unpopular because they’re only consulted in times of distress. Any lawyer joke is sure to draw a laugh. 　　　 Did you hear that medical laboratories have started using lawyers instead of white rats? There are more of them and there are some things even a laboratory rat just won’t do. 　　Politicians are also fair game, but since approximately two-thirds of the nation’s congressional representatives are law school graduates, such jokes are really just a subset of the ’lawyer’ canon.