English Humors

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Dan was the doorman of a club in a big city. Everyday, thousands of people passed his door, and a lot of them stopped and asked him, What's the time, please? After a few months, Dan said to himself, I'm not going to answer all those stupid people any more. I'm going to buy a big clock and put it upon the wall here. Then he did so. Now people aren't going to stop and ask me the time, he thought happily. But after that, a lot of people stopped, looked at the clock and then asked Dan, Is that clock right?

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A smiling boy arrived home from a dental visit,Hey mom,the dentist says I have no cavities. 　　His mom stared at him wide-eyed and quite surprised,It’s impossible --you never brush your teeth after cleaning the chocolate box before you go to bed! 　　Then the boy opened his mouth --he had not a tooth left!

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A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen! 　　Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. 　　Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!

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Teacher: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have? tudent: Big hands.

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Dan is teaching his son how to box. As he does so, he left his friend, This is a tough world, so I’m teaching my boy to fight. Friend: But suppose he comes up against someone much bigger than he is, who’s also been taught how to box. Dan: I’m teaching him how to run, too.

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A crowd of student was gathered on the campus of Oxford University. You can have no doubt, shouted a young man excitedly, that if the Dean does not take back what he said to me this morning, I’ll leave Oxford this very evening！ 　　A buzzing noise followed. What a man of actions！ one said in admiration. How should we 　　　　　　　　　　support him and learn from him！ said another. 　　Suddenly, a girl asked, What did the Dean say to you, Hob? 　　He bent and whispered to her, Well,er•••er•••Miss Rose, er•••he told me to get clean away from 　　Oxford this very evening！

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The lecturer on evolution had been going on for nearly two hours．Then he started again，and said he：Let me ask the evolutionist a questionif we had tails like a baboon，where are they？ I'll venture an answer， said an old lady．We have worn them off sitting here so long．

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A society youth writes ironically to the young lady in the case：Dear Miss Smith， perhaps you remember I proposed to you last night， and I do not now recall whether you said yes，or no． Dear George， I remember I said‘no’ to someone last night， but I had forgotten who it was．

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A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, Tomorrow rain. The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, Tomorrow storm. The next day there was a hailstorm. This Indian is incredible, said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks. Finally the director sent for him. I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow, said the director, and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like? The Indian shrugged his shoulders. Don't know, he said. Radio is broken.

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A man tried to get a job in a stage show. What can you do? asked the producer. Imitate birds, the man said. Are you kidding? answered the producer, People like that are a dime a dozen. Well, I guess that's that. said the actor, as he spread his arms and flew out the window.

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Bob was having trouble getting to sleep at night. He went to see his doctor, who prescribed some extra-strong sleeping pills. Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm. He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to his boss: I didn't have a bit of trouble getting up this morning. That's fine, roared the boss, but where were you Monday and Tuesday?

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I promised my girlfriend a gold necklace for her birthday, but when the jeweler quoted a price for one we liked, I let out a long, low whistle. And how much are they then? I asked, pointing to another tray. You, sir, replied the jeweler, about three whistles.

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It was winter, and Mrs. Hermann wanted to do a lot of shopping, so she waited until it was Saturday, when her husband was free, and she took him to the shops with her to pay for everything and to carry her parcels. They went to a lot of shops, and Mrs. Hermann bought a lot of things. She often stopped and said, Look, Joe! Isn't that beautiful! He then answered, All right, dear, How much is it? and took his money out to pay for it. It was dark when they came out of the last shop, and Mr. Hermann was tired and thinking about other things, like a nice drink by the side of a warm fire at home. Suddenly his wife looked up at the sky and said, Look at that beautiful moon, Joe! Without stopping, Mr. Hermann answered, All right, dear, How much is it?

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My father, brother and I visited West Point to see a football game between Army and Boston College. Taking a stroll before kickoff, we met many cadets in neatly pressed uniforms. Several visting fans asked the recruits if they would pose for photographs, to show our son what to expect if he should attend West Point. One middle-aged couple approached a very attractive female cadet and asked her to pose for a picture. They explained, We want to show our son what he missed by not coming to West Point.

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Three competing store owners rented adjoining shops in a mall. Observers waited for mayhem to ensue. The retailer on the right put up huge signs saying, Gigantic Sale! and Super Bargains! The store on the left raised bigger signs proclaiming, Prices Slashed! and Fantastic Discounts! The owner in the middle then prepared a large sign that simply stated, ENTRANCE.

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Hurrying my 11-year old daughter to school, I made a right turn at a red light when it was prohibited. Uh-oh, I said, realizing my mistake. I just make an illegal turn. I guess it's all right. my daughter replied, The police car behind us did the same thing.

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A married man was visiting his girlfriend when she requested that he shave his beard. Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face. James replied, My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she would kill me!! Oh please? the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice... Oh really, I can't, he replies...My wife loves this beard!! The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in. That night James crawls into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and replies Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon!

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Tom: My grand God, what does a millennium mean to you? God: It only means a minute. Tom: My omnipotent god, what do 10,000 golden coins mean to you? God: Just a small coin. Tom: My humane god, please give me a small coin. God: Ok, poor man, please wait a minute.

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While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. What is the big brass gong and hammer for? one of his friends asked. That is the talking clock, the man replied. How's it work? 　　Watch, the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!

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Lawyer: You say you were about thirty-five feet away from the scene of the accident? Just how far can you see clearly? Witness: Well, when I wake up in the morning I see the sun, and they tell me it's about ninety-three million miles away.