English Humors

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Who Are Crooks? A newspaper once carried an editorial which stated bluntly that half the city council were crooks. Under penalty of arrest, the editor issued following retraction: HALF THE CITY COUNCIL AREN'T CROOKS.

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Alexander the Great Landon had made an unsuccessful attempt at the recitation，and the doctor，somewhat nettled，said：Landon，you don't seem to be getting on very fast in this subject．You seem to lack ambition．Why，at your age Alexander the Great had conquered half the world． Yes， said Landon，he couldn't help it，for you will recall the fact，doctor，that Alexander the Great had Aristotle for a teacher．

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Saving Lives At a pre-med university in St. Louis, we had to take a difficult class in physics. One day the professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A student rudely interrupted to ask Why do we have to learn this stuff? To save lives. The professor responded quickly and continued the lecture. A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. So how does physics save lives? he persisted. It usually keeps the idiots like you out of medical school, replied the professor.

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Ashamed Soldier Peter joined the army when he was eighteen, and for several months he was taught how to be a good soldier. He did quite well in everything except shooting. One day he and his friends were practicing their shooting, and all of them were doing quite well except Peter. After he had shot at the target nine times and had not hit it once, the officer who was trying to teach the young soldiers to shoot said, You're quite hopeless, Peter! Don't waste your last bullet too! Go behind that wall and shoot yourself with it! Peter felt ashamed. He went behind the wall, and a few seconds later the officer and the other young soldiers heard the sound of a shot. Heavens! the officer said. Has that silly man really shot himself? He ran behind the wall anxiously, but Peter was all right. I'm sorry, sir, he said, but I missed again.

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I'm Glad A Sunday school teacher was telling her pupils the importance of making others glad．Now，children， said she，has anyone of you ever made someone else glad？ Please，teacher，said a small boy，I've made someone glad yesterday． Well done．Who was that？ My granny． Good boy．Now tell us how you made your grand mother glad． Please，teacher，I went to see her yesterday，and stayed with her three hours．Then I said to her，‘Granny，I'm going home，’and she said，‘Well，I'm glad’！

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Simon was an inveterate fisherman, well known for exaggerating the size of the one that got away. But there came a day when he actually caught two enormous flounders. He immediately invited a few friends over to dine, then tried to figure out how best to serve the fish. If I use both, he told his wife, it will seem ostentatious. 　　Why not serve a piece of each? she suggested. 　　No, if I cut them up, nobody will believe I caught two giant flounders. Simon racked his brain. Then he had an idea. 　　The guests were seated at the table when their host strode in with a platter, holding the biggest flounder they'd ever seen. Suddenly Simon stumbled and fell. Everyone cried out in dismay as the fish crashed to the floor, but Simon quickly brushed himself off. Dear, he called out to his wife, bring in the other flounder!

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Two Russian hunters meet. I shot a gigantic bear yesterday, says Ivan. Look at the hide! 　　How do you find such huge bears? Sergei asks. 　　Easy, says Ivan. You stand in front of a cave and whistle. When the bear comes out, you shoot. 　　Weeks later the two meet again. Sergei is covered in bandages. Didn't you follow my advice? Ivan asks. 　　Sure I did. I stood, in front of a cave and whistled, Sergei replies. 　　And what came out? 　　To me, says Sergei, it looked like the Trans-Siberian Express.

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A small boy leading a donkey passed by an Army camp. A couple of soldiers wanted to have some fun with the lad. What are you holding onto your brother so tight for, sonny? asked one of them. So he won't join the army, the youngster replied without blinking an eye.

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After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave.When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.Thank heavens, his date replied. If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!

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Doctor： ″I can do nothing for your complaint. It is hereditary.″ Patient： ″then send the bill to my father，please.″

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Mother asked her little boy, Darling, what did the teacher teach you today? Nothing, Mum, answered the son proundly, instead, she asked me how much one plus two was, and I told her three.

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Dating for Mother 　　When the young waitress in the café in Tom’s building started waving hello everyday. Tom was flattered, for she was at least 15 years younger than he. One day she waved and beckoned to Tom again. When Tom strolled over, she asked, Are you single? 　　Why, yes, Tom replied, smiling at her broadly. 　　So is my mom, she said. Would you like to meet her?

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A Jealous Wife 　　There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night 　　and she couldn’t find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, Great, so now you’ 　　re cheating on me with a bald woman! 　　The next night, when she didn’t smell any perfume, she yelled again by 　　saying, She’s not only bald, but she’s too cheap to buy any perfume!

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I Hope So 　　Neighbour: Do you think your son will forget all he learned at college? 　　Father: I hope so -- he certainly can’t make a living by kissing girls!

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Daughter: I wish I had been born a hundred years ago. Mother: My goodness,why? Daughter: You wouldn't dare ask a little old lady to make her own beds.

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There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary.They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm." The other cow replies, "I ain‘t worried, it don‘t affect us ducks."

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A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog.He watched the game in astonishment for a while."I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed."That‘s the smartest dog I‘ve ever seen." "Nah, he‘s not so smart," the friend replied. "I‘ve beaten him three games out of five."

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The following is a true story. There was this little kid who had a bad habit of sucking his thumb. His mother finally told him that if he didn‘t stop sucking his thumb, he‘d get fat. Two weeks later, his mother had her friends over for a game of bridge. The boy points to an obviously pregnant woman and says, "Ah, ha! I know what you‘ve been doing!"

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Kids can sometimes ask the toughest questions. Son: Father, Can I ask you a question? Father: Ok ask. Son: When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor. Father: !!!??????!!!

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A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have ‘Eyes of Blue‘ and ‘A Love Supreme‘?" she asked. "Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children." "Is that a record?" she inquired. "I don‘t think so," replied the man, "but it‘s as close as I want to get."