English Humors

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Patient: I'm so frightened, this is my first operation. Surgeon: I know just how you feel. This is my first operation, too.

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A: Which do you find more important, money or friends? B: Friends, of course. A: Why? B: I can always borrow money from friends.

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Before the final examination, Tom told his mother, Mom, I had a dream last night that I' passed today's exam. Don't trust dreams, dear. It is said what you experience in dreams usually turns out to be the opposite. Mother replied. Then I do hope I'll fail the other subjects n my dream tonight, Tom said.

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Younger Scout: How can I tell the difference between a mushroom and a toadstool? Older Scout: Just eat one before you go to bed. If you wake up the next morning, it was a mushroom.

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Two old friends got together after many years and soon fell to discussing their husbands' faults. We've been married fifteen years, one woman said, and every night after dinner my husband always complains about the food. How terrible! exclaimed the other. Does it bother you? Why should it bother me? her friend replied. if he can't only stand his own cooking?

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Jane loved Tony , but she worried about all the money he squandered when they went out together. How can I stop Tony spending so much money on me? She asked her mother. Marry him!

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On the way home after watching a ballet performance, the kindergarten teacher asked her students what they thought of it. The smallest girl in the class said she wished the dancers were taller so that they would not have to stand on their toes all the time.

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A blonde went into a pizza parlor. When she said that she‘d like a medium pizza, the clerk asked her how many pieces she‘d like to have it cut into: six or twelve. Oh, goodness, six please, said the blonde. I don‘t think I could ever eat twelve.

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When I take a long time, I am slow. When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough. When I don't do it, I am lazy. When my boss doesn't do it, he is too busy. When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart. When my boss does the same, that is initiative. When I please my boss, I am ass-kissing. When my boss pleases his boss, he is co-operating. I do good, my boss never remembers. When I do wrong, he never forgets.

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Mother: Mary, why do you yell and scream so much? Play quietly like Eddie. See, he doesn't make a sound. Mary: Of course he doesn't. Mom, it's part of the game we are playing. He is Daddy coming home late, and I'm you.

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Recently, a man walked into my barbershop asking how much for a haircut. Eight dollars, I answered. And for a shave? Five dollars. All right, he said, settling into the barber chair. Shave my head.

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guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan. He asks, What was that for? She says, I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it. He says, Jeez, honey, 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I bet on. She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan. He asks, What was that for? She answers, Your horse called.

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Wife: Dear! Take a look at those soldiers gawking at the lovely young girl passing by. Husband: Soldiers? What soldiers?

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Who's better satisfied?A person with six children or a person with $6 million? Why? The person with six children of course. Because the one with $6 million wants more.

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On her return from school，little Dolly，aged ten，was pulled on to her Daddy's knee，and informed that the fairies had that day brought a big surprise a little baby brother．She see med glad，and presently said： Will you give me a stamp，daddy？I want to write and tell brother Tom． The father was touched by this，and provided the little lass with the materials to write a letter to her brother，who was away at school．Later，curious to know how she would tell the news，he took an opportunity to read what she had writen．He received something of a shock on reading the following： Dear Tom， It's come off today．You've lost；it's a boy．

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There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found a genie（神） in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes. The bear went first and he said, I wish to be the only male bear in this forest. And he got his wish. The rabbit said, I want a motorcycle helmet.（摩托车安全帽） And he got his wish. The bear went up and said, I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female. And he got his wish. The rabbit said, I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet（头盔;钢盔;帽盔;安全帽）. And he got his wish. The bear said, I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females. And he got his wish. It was the rabbit's turn, and he said, I wish that bear was gay（男同性恋）.

shuhaimin1

thank you for sharing

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Michael sat in his attorney's office. Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news? the lawyer asked. Give me the bad news first. Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars. That's the bad news? asked Michael incredulously. I can't wait to hear the terrible news. The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary.

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Mrs. Flinders decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant. 　　But you're not wearing any of those things. 　　I know, said Mrs. Flinders. It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he'd remarry right away, and I want her to go nuts looking for the jewelry.

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Wilberforce stood for Parliament on one occasion， and hissister helped him with his election campaign． The Bribery andCorruption Acts had not been framed in those days ; consequently， the sister offered to give a new dress to the wife of every man who voted for her brother． This offer pleased the voters immensely， and at one meeting there went up a cry ofMiss Wilberforce for ever！The lady in question rosequickly from her chair on the platform and said： Oh，please，don't. I have no wish to be Miss Wilhberforce for ever ．