English Humors

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Two soldiers were in camp. The first one's name was George, and the second one's name was Bill. George said, have you got a piece of paper and an envelope, Bill? Bill said, Yes, I have, and he gave them to him. Then George said, Now I haven't got a pen. Bill gave him his, and George wrote his letter. Then he put it in the envelope and said, have you got a stamp, Bill? Bill gave him one. Then Bill got up and went to the door, so George said to him, Are you going out? Bill Said, Yes, I am, and he opened the door. George said, Please put my letter in the box in the office, and... He stopped. What do you want now? Bill said to him. George looked at the envelope of his letter and answered, What's your girl-friend's address?

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A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me. The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was ninety.

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An American, a Scot and a Canadian were killed in a car accident. They arrived at the gates of heaven, where a flustered St. Peter explained that there had been a mistake. Give me $500 each, he said, and I'll return you to earth as if the whole thing never happened. Done! said the American. Instantly, he found himself standing unhurt near the scene. Where are the others? asked a medic. Last I knew, said the American, the Scot was haggling price, and the Canadian was arguing that his government should pay.

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One day when women's dresses were on sale at the FarEast Department Store, a dignified middle-aged man decided to get his wife a piece. But he soon found himself being battered by frantic women. He stood it as long as he could; then, with head lowered and arms flailing, he plowed through the crowed. You there! challenged a thrill voice. Can't you act like a gentleman? Listen, he said, I have been acting like a gentleman for an hour. From now on, I am acting like a lady.

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Larry! Come here! said his furious mother, putting the telephone down, I’ve just had a call 　　from Mrs. Harrison about your behavior to her Doris at the school dance last night. You wretched, rude boy! 　　I was nice to her, Mum, really I was! protested the youth. 　　I even paid her a compliment when we had a dance. 　　Did you, indeed? said his mother grimly, And what exactly did you say? 　　I said, Gosh, Doris, you sweat less than any fat girl I’ve ever danced with!

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A: I have the perfect son. B: Does he smoke? A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he drink whiskey? A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he ever come home late? A: No, he doesn't. B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he? A: He will be six months old next Wednesday

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A man went to the police office wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. 　　You will get your chance in court. said the Desk Sergeant. 　　No, no, no. said the man. I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years.

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Once, late at night, an Englishman came out of his room into the corridor of a hotel and asked the servant to bring him a glass of water. The servant did as he was asked. The Englishman re-entered his room, but a few minutes later he came into the corridor again and once more asked the servant for a glass of water. The servant brought him another glass of water. Every few minutes the Englishmen would come out of his room and repeat his request. After a half-hour the astonished servant decided to ask the Englishman what he was doing with the water. Nothing, the Englishman answered imperturbably, It’s simply that my room is on fire.

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The doctor finally reached his table at a dinner, after breaking away from a woman who sought advice on a health problem. Do you think I should send her a bill? the doctor asked a lawyer who sat next to him. Why not? the lawyer replied. You rendered professional services by giving advice. Thanks, the physician said. I think I'll do that. When the doctor went to his office the next day to send the bill to the woman, he found a letter from the lawyer. It read: For legal services, $50.

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A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells PIG!! The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, WITCH(女巫)!! They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road. If only men would listen.

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The portly sales manager was getting ready to leave his doctor's office after a routine examination. Here, said the doctor, follow this diet, and I want to see three-fourths of you back here for a check-up in three months.

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Neighbor: I heard a big noise in front of your house last night. What happened to you? Husband: It was nothing. My wife was a bit cross, and threw my overcoat out of the window. Neighbor: Your overcoat? But how could it make such a noise? Husband: I... I happened to be inside the coat.

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A woman was singing. One of the guests turned to a man by his side and criticized the singer. What a terrible voice! he said. Do you know who she is? Yes, was the answer. She is my wife. Oh, I beg your pardon. The man said, Of course her voice is not bad, but the song is very bad. I wonder who wrote that awful song. I did. was the answer.

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A man is so addicted to gambling that he often comes home late. His wife never stops railing at him. Once he is detained at his office and comes home late. His wife accuses him of gambling again but he swears he was detained in his office. I pray to God that you are speaking the truth, his wife says. May God strike me dead if I am lying. Then I pray to God that you are lying, his wife said hopefully.

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Policeman: Why didn't you shout for help when you were robbed of your watch? Man: If I had opened my mouth, they'd have found my four gold teeth. That would be much worse.

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A little girl from the East Side was invited to a garden party given by a very aristocratic lady to a group of little East-Siders. The little girl, as she drank her tea and ate her plum-cake on a velvet lawn under a white-blooming cherry tree, said to her hostess: Does your husband drink? Why-er-no, not to excess, was the astonished reply. How much does he make? He doesn't work, said the lady. He is a capitalist. You keep out of debt, I hope? Of course, child. What on earth do you mean by all these impudent questions? Impudent? said the little girl. Why, Ma'am, Mother told me to be sure and behave like a lady, and when ladies call at our rooms they always question Mother like that.

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During World War II, a lot of young women in Britain were in the army. Joan Phillips was one of them. She worked in a big camp, and of course met a lot of men, officers and soldiers. One evening she met Captain Humphreys at a dance. He said to her, I'm going abroad tomorrow, but I'd be very happy if we could write to each other. Joan agreed, and they wrote for several months. Then his letters stopped, but she received one from another officer, telling her that he had been wounded and was in a certain army hospital in England. Joan went there and said to the matron, I've come to visit Captain Humphreys. Only relatives are allowed to visit patients here, the matron said. Oh, that's all right, answered Joan. I'm his sister. I'm very pleased to meet you, the matron said, I'm his mother!

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Go Barefoot In secondary school, I was always self-conscious about my height. Once I was asked out by a life-guard. I had never really stood next to him and didn't know how tall he was, so the night of the date I took out two pairs of shoes-one with heels, one flat. I arranged with my brother to answer the door, compare his height with my date's and run upstairs to let me know which shoes to wear. When doorbell rang I waited. Then my brother showed up and told me what I didn't want to hear: Go barefoot.

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A Question Professor: Before we begin the examination are there any question? Student: What's the name of this course?

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Churchill and Bernard Shaw Winston Churchill was Prime Minister of Great Britain during World War II. He was a fat and short man. George Bernard Shaw was a famous writer. He was tall and lean. Both of them were humorists. When they met at a reception, Churchill said to Shaw with a smile, Mr. Shaw, when people see you, they must think there is a famine in our country. Yes, said Bernard Shaw, but they must think you are responsible for it.